March 6, 2013 | Filed under: Headlines,Satire/Humor | Posted by: S. Bernstein
Various sources have confirmed rumors that Jesus, the Son of God, will be a speaker at the 2013 gathering of Conservatives. Interestingly enough, it has been leaked that the Alpha and Omega was not actually invited to be a speaker, but using the powers of his Almighty Father, had himself put on the list to speak the last night of the conference.
In-fighting has erupted among the Conservative powers that be. Members like Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich are applauding the welcoming of the Lamb of God to speak to their followers, while morally-questionable loudmouths like Limbaugh and Bachmann are beginning to vocalize their fears of allowing the all-knowing one into their hypocritical midst.
Sources close to the King of the Jews have disclosed that Mr. Christ does not plan on tackling specific issues like abortion or gay marriage, much the way he didn’t back in the day, most likely because he still feels that treating each other with respect and love are really the things we should be focusing on. This point, undoubtedly, will still be lost on many in the Conservative camp.
One of Mr. Huckabee’s aides, asked to be kept anonymous , has been quoted as saying, “Our biggest fear is that he will come out all wrathful and pissed like at that temple that one time, and start yelling at us all for pretending to follow his teachings, while just being a bunch of shitty human beings who could care less about their fellow man.”
The Koch Brothers, Daddy Warbucks to the Conservative Movement, have remained silent on the issue. Fox News has begun questioning the authenticity of this man who is claiming to be the Prince of Peace, and has hinted at this appearance being another Liberal-conspiracy, to push Obamacare on the American people.
The NRA has publicly announced that every patriotic American, in the light of this recent phenomenon, should purchase a gun.
Various attempts to contact Christ’s media team for verification of this story have been made at numerous churches and holy sites around the country. So far, all requests have gone unanswered.
Source: The Big Slice