A Letter To Texas From The Remaining 49 StatesWE THE CITIZENS of The Remaining 49 United States of America hereby grant Texas its wish to withdraw from our country, that it may create its own sovereign nation. A nation completely free of the burden of tolerance regarding any ideas, customs, laws, taxes, or ethnicity that it does not “cotton to”.
We congratulate our new neighbors to the South on the imminent creation of its perfect Utopia, in which cumbersome gun laws need not exist, the mentally handicapped can be executed with reckless abandon, and school curriculums can be properly adjusted to instruct children that the Earth is a mere 3000 years old.
We will, of course, miss the economic benefits, quality barbecue and hot cheerleaders that you have nobly provided over these past 200-plus years. But though we won’t argue that Texas has been at the forefront of the nation in production of oil, beef, cotton, and other valuable commodities, those benefits have always been tragically counterbalanced by your state’s equally impressive production of prideful ignorance and unrepentant assholes.
(Side note: We know it’s a long shot, but is there any chance that we could convince you to take Alabama with you? With both of you gone it would really help boost our national literacy rate. You could call yourself “Alabexas”. No? We didn’t think so. It was worth a try.)One last request: as an act of goodwill between nations, before you erect your long-awaited immigrant-proof wall can you do us a solid and give the Austin hipster-transplants a couple of weeks to pack up their instruments and get their vans back up here? Thanks.
Thanks for the memories and for Stevie Ray Vaughan. Our country just got a little bit smaller but a great deal more respectable. And for that we thank you.
-THE REMAINING 49 STATES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Guest Contributor: Mike Polk
While the better part of our nation forges ahead to face the real challenges of the future, tens of thousands of immature faux-patriots and their clumsy, short-sighted secession campaign are better left ignored.
And it’s not just the liberals who are saying that everyone should accept President Barack Obama’s landslide victory.
Former First Lady Barbara Bush and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal are just two of the Republican standard-bearers who have come forward to tell “secessionists” – who are threatening Civil War and further discrediting Republicans everywhere – to shut the hell up.
Mrs. Bush, wife to 41st President George H.W Bush and mother to 43rd President George W. Bush, spoke Thursday at an event at the LBJ library, which Former First Lady Laura Bush also attended. Reuters quotes Mrs. Bush as saying:
I’m tired now of the elections. People spoke. Move on, get on with it. I want to do other things and not to be ugly.The older of the two Bush First Ladies also issued a stern warning to the more intransigent members of Congress about repairing our budget shortfalls:
They are going to have to compromise. It’s not a dirty word.Laura Bush, wife of George W. Bush, seems to have remained silent on current events at the conference, titled Enduring Legacies of America’s First Ladies.
Barbara Bush’s rebuke of the frenzied right-wing hoopla following Obama’s reelection comes in light of the wave of “secession” petitions individuals have posted to the White House-hosted petition page.
Ban Grocery Store Chick Magazines in 2013