Nice to meet you, Levi. I wanna thank you for shaving and looking a bit more like a Young Republican for us here in St. Paul. That rugged thing just isn't our look, son.
My friend, I know you said on "Myspace" you didn't want any children and I know that Sarah's kind of intimidating with all that shooting and NRA gun stuff. And Bristol's mom's just not into abortion... so you're gonna be a daddy whether you want to or not. It's a woman's decision, my friend. It's her body, and your child support obligation. We conservatives stick with our women. Well, so long as they look good.
But don't be too worried about the shotgun wedding and all the Fox News cameras around. When you marry her, you'll still get to play hockey, my friend. You did look fabulous with Bristol and that all makes me look good too. Just behave for a couple months, okay?
Levi, my friend, just know that when you marry her, you also marry her family. You can do what I did and dump her for a newer model when you want later on... and there'll be rich Republicans to take care of her and your baby like Ross Perot took care of mine!
So you play ball with us, and we'll play ball with you, my friend. And besides, I have friends at all the big shoe companies... we'll see what we can do about a couple endorsement contracts so you'll have some pocket money. I already love you like a great grampa. It'll be okay, Levi, you'll see, my friend.